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Hot Parenting Topic of the Month CHANGING HOLIDAY RITUALS Rituals provide security, comfort, and consistency for children and adults. At no time are these rituals more obvious than at holiday times. December, in particular, brings out all the emotions related to the parents' childhood experiences, and recollections of wonderful holidays spent with family and friends. Parents remember the smells around the house; the tastes of special foods; how the house was decorated when they were children. Many parents want to share these identical experiences with their children by keeping things exactly the way they were in their childhood: the same smells, the same tastes, the same looks, the same activities, the same people gathered around. In reality, however, parents usually are faced with the need to change aspects of their rituals and they worry about it. Family plans are affected by financial constraints, divorce and custody issues, the death of family members, job commitments, mixed marriages, or any of a number of other factors that forces a re-evaluation of how holidays are celebrated. Some adults are eager to reshape rituals to meet their own personal beliefs and attitudes. For other adults, however, this transition may involve a grieving process. It reflects the loss of something of great importance to them: the loss of their childhood and heritage All parents may share concerns, as well, about how the changes will affect their children. In families where every Christmas Day, or the first night of Chanukah, or the start of Kwanzaa always has been celebrated with the grandparents, expectations have been established. But, that tradition may have to change this year. Remarkably, young children tend to respond well to changes in ritual, which may come as a great surprise and provide welcome relief to the parents. A child's life is full of daily rituals: the bedtime ritual, the waking up ritual, meal time rituals, going off to day care or school rituals and the rituals in those settings. Daily, there are minor modifications to the children's rituals. So, it is no great surprise that young children, in particular, accept and adapt to the changes quite easily if they are prepared for the changes in advance, and the reasons for the changes are explained and are consistent with the child's developmental level (i.e., using appropriate words, emotions, and familiar experiences to communicate the message). Older children may be as attached to certain rituals as are their parents. For these children, the following strategies by the parent may be helpful: Explain the rationale for the changes face-to-face. Have a brief "family meeting" to talk about how the upcoming holiday will be different. Allow all family members to understand the changes and express their feelings. Allow each child to contribute to forming new rituals for the family. This may include adding a certain new food, song, or decoration, inviting a friend over to share the holiday, performing a specific act of kindness in the community, etc. Be particularly aware of the children's behaviors during the holiday. Be available to talk with them if there are indications of sadness or withdrawal. The common thread of family rituals is the values that are important to families and that always will remain important even during changing times. The parents can take comfort that these values are maintained not by locations or decorations of holiday celebration, but by loving and warm communication. Relax and enjoy each other. And take pleasure in both the old and the new with the people you love. HAPPY HOLIDAYS! Warren Umansky, Ph.D. Child Development Specialist		Parenting Topic of the Month

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